So, here I am, it's 12:40 am and I can't sleep. I feel I should, as a blogger, capture the crap times leading up to my op as well as the good times. Well, that's what it's all about surely? For anyone else reading who has been through/is going through similar, I want them to know that it's not all roses and "Oooh not long now :-)" thoughts. Sometimes it's pretty damn sh*t! Take tonight for instance... I have been fine, I came home from work (which is going pretty crap at the moment...Staring down the barrel of a loaded redundancy gun but that's a different story!) to my lovely family, had some great news concerning Mum and the buying of her new house, (should be complete within the next few weeks), had tea, sent my boy off to Cadets for the evening, watched a bit of telly and that was it really. No major dramas, nothing to write home about...so bed time came and oh my word, if I didn't know better I would say someone had slipped a "Wide Awake And Have Crappy Thoughts" pill in my brew!
Let me put it bluntly, I am terrified of what I am facing in 4 weeks! I hate the way I'm feeling about it... I hate the way I'm feeling about feeling about it! I have absolutely no doubt that what I am doing is absolutely the right thing for me at this time, so why am I so damn scared? I'll tell you...
I'm scared that the thing I am trying to protect myself against may have already developed. I'm 37 and have been so damn lucky to get this far in life without having been gripped by it already that I think, "Maybe it's started now?!" And what will happen if it has? How will it affect the reconstruction, would I still have to have treatment? God, writing it down it seems ludicrous, so at least I did the right thing taking to my blog, as now I can lock that thought in the box and try and forget about it.
I'm also scared of how it will affect my relationship with my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is extremely supportive and 100% behind me in my decision, and I love him with all my heart, I'm just scared of how I'm going to feel after. Some people reading this might think, "Why are you putting this out there for the whole world to see?". Simple. I want other people going through what I am, who may be feeling like I am, to see that they are not on their own, and that maybe, just maybe, being scared of how this massive change will affect us, aesthetically and psychologically, is quite possibly, perfectly normal! No doubt if I was to be assessed by a Psychologist at this moment in time, they wouldn't let a scalpel wielding surgeon anywhere near me! But I would have to argue that no matter how much I need and want this surgery, I wouldn't be human if I didn't experience moments like this leading up to it! So there!
If I'm honest I have felt like this for the last couple of nights. It's when I get into bed... these thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks, then my eyes start to prick, then I cry, and try and hold it in. Then I get angry with myself because I can't sleep, then I'm tired the next night and it starts all over again. I think I just need a good nights sleep.
If any of you reading this have had similar feelings I would love to hear from you.
I apologise that this hasn't been an upbeat read, but sometimes, this whole thing isn't upbeat...But...Tomorrows another day.
Night Night, and thank you for reading, and as always, I welcome all your comments.
Michelle
xx
Oh Michelle, I do understand how you are feeling right now, truly I do.
ReplyDeleteIt would be worrying if you were going into this huge decision and surgery without these fears and worries. If you were over-confident about everything then it simply wouldn't be normal at all.
Night time is always when we feel at our most vulnerable and it's when the tears come, so let them fall, and please don't bottle things up. You will only feel worse for it.
I've been through exactly the same myself,honestly! Tears and sometimes the odd tantrum are nature's way of letting go when confronted with the unknown.
I can only try to reassure you that this surgery is nowhere near as dramatic as you are possibly thinking it will be. I'm now a year down the road from my surgery and everything is perfectly normal again, and before long, your life will be the same again too. Promise!
Love
Ann xx
Ann, thank you so so much for your lovely words! It seems to be the general consensus that these feelings are indeed normal! I guess it's just that no-one actually warns you really about these feelings and thoughts so I wanted others to know that it is ok to feel like this.
ReplyDeleteWell done you on doing so well.
Love
Michelle xx
michelle you are the bravest person i know!you take no crap and face things as they come!But there comes a time when you have to let the tears fall as its your release to the feelings you are experiencing! I think its an exceptional idea writing your feelings down as it gives an insight to anyone who may experience this in their life, the good and the bad! As the time gets closer to your op all the apprehensions you feel will come at you twice as hard but you will face them head on and say "im the strong one here and will not take this crap lying down" Remember your are in total control and have the support of everyone around you! Deep breath and tell BRAC1 to f**k off as it wont and will never beat you! TAKE CARE AND BIG HUGS X X X LOVE NICCI M X X X
ReplyDeleteNicci, thank you so much! I don't feel very brave at all, some days I feel like a coward, and sometimes I think the reason I'm doing this is because I'm a coward, because I can't face treatment and goodness knows what else for Cancer. But not today...I have had some truly wonderful messages on Facebook, twitter, texts and comments including yours, which have lifted me more than you know. I'm just so glad I was able to connect with so many even though I was worried that I was being so negative at the time of writing!
ReplyDeleteLove
Michelle xx
One day at a time Michelle, your being proactive, and it sucks, and it's the right thing to do it sounds like, and you need to vent!!! Never doubt yourself on this, be proud of yourself for taking innitiative and understanding, and know there are many other of us out there that will be doing the same thing. You'll have to tell me all about it after you get it done. I think your blog is awesome, and spreading the word is awesome and brave!!!! Lots of HUGS!
ReplyDeleteKim P.
Thank you Kim. I will be blogging throughout to and will let you know when there's an update on here :-) xx
ReplyDelete